One Year In: Navigating Love, Honesty, and Growth with Robin and Hector

Well, thank you for asking us.

Yeah. No problem. Yeah. No problem.

This is a stretch for great actor. I know, but he's really. He's been stretching himself a lot like, since we met and like, even before. So I think I think it was just great that he said yes. I was like that. Yeah.

Me too. And tell me about that. Like when, if that's a true thing for you, what does it even mean that you've been stretching yourself a lot? Is that do you do you resonate with that same description of yourself?

Yeah, quite. I, I've been I've been saying yes to more new things in life and, and being more accepted. Yeah. Of life itself. So that that's given me a much wider perspective of life itself.

So what is on your list like what are you saying yes to that you might not have suggested before.

Entrepreneur.

Besides being on a podcast with, with your partner.

Yeah. No, it's just, I used to be much more introvert. Introverted and kept to myself. And that's one, one thing. And both in my personal life and just overall with even with my own kids and family, and now I'm being more out in the open and that has brought really good results in, in several aspects. So, yeah, one thing, work wise, I was fine with the, the job line that I had lined up, but I'm venturing more into doing more stuff out of that. And, just coming out of the shell itself. Yeah. And and. Yeah. So, just trying to try new things and, and getting, getting great results as.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's one of the coolest things about growing older is that you can, you know, we, we have all these things that we don't even realize are ingrained into us. I think I think at the very simple level, it's like I've been drinking Diet Coke since I was eight because my parents drink Diet Coke. Like and like, why would I drink anything else? I've just been like, so that's a very, very simple thing. But to go older and go, oh, there's other stuff out there, like there's root beer and ginger ale and, you know, the evening kinds or provocative kinds of drinks that I could try. And it's just all I have to do is lay down this old, not even bad definition of myself and say, I wonder what else is available.

So, I didn't have the ability to do that when I was younger, so it's cool to, I think, get older and be like, well, I wonder what else I might try. I'm also an introvert, so I didn't do a lot of the same kinds of things, which is just I'm, I'm going to try and get out of my house, you know, it was a federal holiday on Monday here. My wife and I both had the day off and, you know, normally would just sit around, but we were like, let's go downtown. So we just went downtown in our own city and walked around like tourists. And that was an unusual thing for us to do.

So yeah. Good. You have to do that.

I don't know.

I love the fact that Hector says yes to a lot of things, and. Yeah, and I'll have you sometimes I'll be like, oh, I don't know if he's going to say yes to this one, but I'll ask. And then he says, yes. I'm like, yes, right. I think that's great.

So for the record, you guys are not married. I saw that you've been together about 11 months. How do tell me a little bit about how you did that. Like how did you come together last year or a year ago? So it's January now. So.

So yeah, we met we met March 1st.

Okay. Yeah. What's. Tell me. I mean, you don't have to tell me your whole story, but how did you get here? How did you get here? After wherever you got to March 1st. How did you get to March 1st? Maybe that's the better question.

We met online. We met on hinge okay.

Right.

Yeah. Yeah.

Why did you choose hinge?

I chose hinge because Logan Ury. All right. And Logan I work with Logan and I wanted a site and she I mean, yeah, you know, she's been she's been there. I think it was the chief of population science, something like that. And she talked a lot about just how as an app, it had a lot, a benefits. Yeah. So I was like, okay, well, if I'm going to go online and find my partner, then that'll be the site I chose. And I think for me, it was Hector's profile that really drew me. I like it was you didn't have very much on it. It went. But what he did, he did say and like when I.

Didn't have enough to turn you out like.

He like. Right. There's.

He knew when to stop.

Yeah. Mine was a lot. There's a lot more writing going on, but his was like one of the questions was, what's one of the biggest risks you've ever taken in life? Okay. And he answered, like moving. Like moving my whole family like to a new country. Yeah. I mean, that's a huge thing. Yeah. Holy crap. And then and there's a voice prompt and you're. And how do you start your day and his was I over and you can hear his name accent do you. Right. I wake up in the morning and I go to the pool and swim. And then I use the sauna and like it's a great way to start the day. It was just like, wow, I don't know anybody that wakes up and swims every morning.

I just thought that was quite unique. And so I messaged him and said, like, where do you swim? I think that's an awesome way to start the day. And then his message back to me was where he swims and then his. And then he asked me a question. He said, what are you grateful for today?

I was like,

Oh my God. Like, and I say, this actor, you have to be grateful. Like I am. Like I live my life through gratitude. I really do like I'm just I wake up and I say what I'm thankful for. I pray every night I see what I'm thankful for. It's like gratitude is such an important part of how I live my life. And I'm like, this guy is speaking my language.

So had you had, had you both of you had, like the opposite is opposite experience. Well, well, try to date like where you just had really nightmare situations and that, you know, didn't pan out for one reason. Other did you have a pretty smooth journey to one another.

Well, after I parted ways with my ex-wife, I. I was on my own for a year and a half the years, then a short with an old friend, my short chart relationship that didn't go anywhere and but a lot of teachings in in between and after that I was lucky enough to to just download hinge again because I had deleted that that app I wasn't looking for for anyone. And then when when I felt the time was ready, I, I was ready. I downloaded and who knew just a couple of months after.

You download it on, like Leap Day and then like on February 29th, and then you woke up the next day.

And here's not so close, but I have had maybe a month before or so. So that was, a happy coincidence.

And I see this is an area that I don't know anything about because I, I graduated from college in May of 1995. I met Rebecca in November of 1995. We started dating in January of 1996. We got engaged in February of 1997 or sorry, January of 1997, and we were married by August. So I you know, I'd never dated, I dated around I mean, I did the college dating the thing that you do, but I have no idea how to go on apps or how to go out into our people. I don't know what the I hear horror stories about it. And of course, these days it's like the way to go when I first started my career. And you ask people, how did they meet? And they said online that met that they met like just like looking for sex. I mean, it was just like it was a shameful thing.

They weren't there wasn't a legitimate way to try and meet people. It was a it was the clandestine shadow way. And now, of course, it's ubiquitous. And I always wonder how people end up on this or that app hinge is the one that, is like, sort of purports to connect to you in a generalized social group. Is that right? Like your friends of your friends are on hinge, or is it is it broader?

I don't know which app that you're that that exact thing. No. Okay.

Yeah. See, I don't know.

There are so many apps and I think, and I don't know if one is better than the other. I think it's how you present yourself and and how, like how curious you are asking the right questions of people. You know, like how much effort you put into it, I think, yeah, you can meet quality people.

I see hinge as a more an app for, younger adults, but not college or looking for just a hookup. The demographic or more serious kind of stuff. More. Yeah. Okay.

So you you had Robin at, at grateful. When did Robin have you, like what? It what did you know that she was the person that you wanted to continue to this conversation with?

I, I, I came out really strong, like, I was, I was, bringing my life where I wanted to be me, my true self. So I probably on our third date, I told her my weak spots, what I was struggling with for the last few years, and it was for me. It was a huge step and it was like, I like her physically. She's nice. She's a good conversational conversationalist. That's. Sorry. Yeah. Double check at times and okay we're we're past that physical attraction and and whatnot. And she, she doesn't seems like a serial serial killer or something. So yeah I'm honestly like okay, so this is me and I was like, okay, it's all or nothing at this point.

So if she's scared by something or pulled away, then that's fine. We weren't meant to be together, but it was. I think it was quite the opposite. All that honesty out front from date was for me, just that gave me a more, more confidence in just staying open like that and being vulnerable and just. Yeah, that's what got me all, all, all that feedback I got from her was reassuring. Yeah, yeah.

So if I'm hearing you correctly, part of what you did was you were very clear about who you were, what you knew to sort of internally. And then you said, I'm not going to waste a lot of time here on day three. I'm going to make sure she's clear about who I am or clear about what I understand. Understanding that if she's like, no thanks, that was okay with you because you didn't want to play a game that, you know, where you kept her around for date five, six, seven, but it wasn't really you.

Or just deceiving and, telling her. Yeah. No,

I'm done. No, I'm into it. I actually, I have a lot of regard for that because I feel like if I were to get in the dating scene somehow, that's kind of how I would play it. I would be like, look, here's the deal. Here's who I am. Here's what I got going on. Here's what you can expect, you know, and I would want to know kind of as fast as possible if people could handle that, not simply just whether they agreed with what I was saying. But could they handle getting a little bit of a firehose situation? You know, like, here it is. And so what was that like for you? I mean, I have a sister. I actually like, oh my God, this is amazing.

I actually thought it was beautiful.

Yeah.

Because the way he even just posed, it was like, there's something that I really want, I want to tell you about myself. And like, this is hard for me to do, but this is like, where I'm at, where I'm at and where, like, what I've experienced and it's been and actually and then he also said, like, I've learned so much and I've grown so much because of all these experiences I've had. And it's like, and I was like, wow, thank you for that. I thought I was honored that he shared that with me to tell you. Yeah, he was coming from such a vulnerable, beautiful, honest. Yeah. And I mean, and that and then of course, because you're sharing that vulnerability with each other, that was an invitation for me to be like, okay, I can be that too, with him and I.

And early on in our relationship, like, I was like, he's so intuitive. And he know, like it's like our connection is so has been so strong from the beginning. It's like he knows me and can feel my energy. And I was, you know, I was out, of like, an unsafe relationship. Very unsafe with my, with my ex. And it was still affecting me, you know, and I was, like, anxious. I didn't realize I was so anxious that I was when we first met. And he would say, like, I remember, I would be like, why am I like? But I but I because he's so grounded and so level that my energy wasn't like it was still like, you know, my safety was at risk before it.

So it's like, how do you and I mean, I really didn't know Hector in the beginning. You don't know somebody. You have to learn to trust. And it's like more and more time we spent together. It was like, okay. My anxiousness actually was like, more clear to me. Isn't that funny? Right? Yeah. Because you're with somebody that's more. That wasn't wasn't that.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like when you. Okay, let me see if I can wrap my head around this. It's like when you when you have, you have the experience of something healthy, you realize how the other thing or the alternative made you feel bad, which you didn't maybe realize when you were just like, you know, gorging on the bad thing. I have like a little like a food thing in my head somewhere. Like, if you're just like sugar, sugar, sugar. And it feels great all the time, it's not how you start to eat healthy or you're like, oh, sugar is kind of gross, or it's there's a little too much or whatever.

I think for me, it was more like I didn't realize that I was actually living day to day with like low grade anxiety, like, really. And I think there's actually a lot of people that don't realize it. But I didn't I mean, I just didn't realize it. And then until I really until we spent, like, started spending less time together and I was like, wow. Like I need to like, my nervous system can calm down. Like, you know, this person is safe and it took a while, but I feel great now. And you noticed a difference in me.

Yeah, quite.

Can you talk about that a little bit? My nervous system. Like I. You have a relationship with your nervous system. It's clear. Like you've kind of figured out you like. No. Oh, this is my nervous system. It's not me. It's not just whatever, but it can calm down. Like, how do you. How have you made sense of that? Or how have you learned, what have you learned about your own relationship to your nervous system and say, in the last year?

For me, it's like I can get caught with my low grade anxiety. I was getting caught in rumination, so my mind wasn't able to shut off. Like. And that's like, that's unfortunate. That's the way I was living.

And do you think that you carried that as like, when you think about that, do you think that you've carried that in from your past relationships? Is that something that you learned as a child? Is that something like how do you very possibly.

Yeah. When my safety wasn't when it's a good it's a it's a great reflection because I think like when I was little like my parents had a lot of there was a large, tumultuous, very tumultuous relationship. My dad was constantly moving in and out of the house and, you know, we didn't know where we're going to live, like, oh, we're moving again. Like. And so as a little girl, I remember feeling unsafe a lot, to tell you the truth a lot. And, and I think maybe it's like your mind just right. And then I'm praying like we always raised great really just me. And so I'm like praying okay God just like clear my head or just clear my heart like like help me be safe.

Right. So like maybe that's where it came from. Just shutting my. And now I can actually be more. That's the other thing that you're so good at is being so present. He's very in the present. And I think also with my anxiety it was like I was too future focused or too past, I wasn't in the present. So he's been a great future for me Kenny.

They say what is it. Depression is depression is worrying about the past and anxieties, worrying about the future or something. It's some, some weird thing about that.

Yeah that's actually a good point.

And worrying is praying for something bad to happen.

That's true worry I was worrying a lot. Yeah. Yeah.

You both have reference that you have come out of previous marriages. So you actor married once and you have your own children.

Yeah.

How old are your children.

14 and 11. Okay. And married together for 18 years. Okay.

And Robin, what about you?

I was married, I was with my first husband for 15 years, okay? And my second for five. Like, not married for five, but together. Yeah.

Yeah. The second one is the one that you sort of it was unsafe or that you're.

Absolutely. Yeah. And disaster unfortunately but I do I do have a son because of my marriage. So I mean yeah that's my most prized blessing from God.

Yeah. So how many children do you have?

I've got three.

Three. And they're out.

I've got an 18 year old. 15 oh 16 1515 and three and a half.

That's awesome.

I always keep my middle daughter's age. I, I don't know, but.

Yeah. I'm so sorry for it. Yeah.

Thanks, mom.

I don't I suspect that you're not going to have a, like, a terribly sexy answer to this question, but I have said a million times that. Well, actually, I'll back off that for a second. Your kids are they. Do they know each other? Are they friendly? Are they all in relationship, or do we know? And I get.

Our kids do not know each other yet.

Okay. Yeah. So you're not in any like the step parenting version of of trying to be in a relationship at all?

No. Yeah. That's not like I, we haven't talked about this. No, that's not where I'm just like, I love actors, children, I really do.

And I you've met them.

Yes. And I just, I just want to be like an extra person in their life that gives them love and support and whatever, whatever I can provide. But it's not there's not going to. No, he's, he's, they've they've got great parents. But that's not my role.

Are your dad's girlfriend.

Am I dad's girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

And you're. And actually your mom's boyfriend. Like is that.

Oh, yeah. Definitely.

Right. Yeah. Why haven't they met each other? Is that a deliberate choice? Do you live far away from each other, or do you just just decided that that's not really a thing at the moment or.

Well, just it hasn't happened. Yeah. As such, there was a, Christmas dinner here at Robin's. Yeah. And her oldest daughter was here, but they she was with their friends, and there was a lot of people, so I don't know if they connected, I don't think I.

Don't think they did because my, my, my 18 year old is now in university in like you province, three provinces over. Yeah. And Sadie, I know she wants to meet your kids. It's just a matter of like. I have to say, this has a lot to do with my experience with my ex. I know because it was not good for them. It wasn't good for me, and it wasn't good for them. Yeah. And so they are definitely on guard and more just like, okay mom, we're going to like we're going to see if this is because like I talk about after all the time and I'm just, you know, they know how much I love him, but it's like they're just yeah, they're going to they're going to take their time on it. You know what she said he does trust that she does. But then she's a little bit afraid. Yeah they are they're afraid for themselves and for me I can see it. You know.

Yeah man. It's complicated. The, the it's the question I was going to ask and I'm glad I didn't because it's kind of irrelevant is, is around this sort of step family blending situation because I can tell you that in my private practice, it's the hardest thing I do like. It is, without question, the most challenging thing to, you know, have a family that you create and then that family, for whatever reason, shifts. And then you meet new people and you create a third thing, a Brady Bunch situation of some sort or whatever that is. And you have this blended family where loyalties get tested and change and all of these, like, you're not quite sure who's in charge of what. And it's really, really tough to navigate. So it sounds like you're being really patient with that. And that's that's pretty cool because I it can get so strange and messy.

Yeah. No way I was wrong. And so it's like a day to day kind of thing. No rush. Yeah. No nothing. And the feedback I get from my daughter, especially my son, is like, oh you're good. That that's that's fine. Yeah. But my daughter has expressed to me that, that is. You happy I see. Yeah. Like I can tell the difference since you met Robyn and how you're just going through life now. I see you happy, and she's. She's happy there to see me that way. Yeah. So it's just, I don't know, just a matter of time and patience. Whatever. It will come.

It will it will come. And I think that is such like that is my constant reminder and my growth that I'm like gaining with Hector is being patient and just taking just it's just like, what is there? Like we are together. And it's so strong. It's like this isn't going anywhere. So like what is there's no pressure that does have to be you know. Yeah. It'll be a natural progression. It is. It is a natural has been. Yeah.

So I have a, I have a intake question on my counseling practice and I put it in the questionnaire I sent to you guys, which is on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your relationship and people coming into my practice, they're like four, three, you know, six. You guys are like ten. So how do you do that? Like, how do you how do you.

We were both like ten, actually. The funny thing is I was like, there's no 11 or 12 on this scale. What the heck?

But how do you make sense of that? Like, it's, you know, nobody's at a ten. How do what do you how do you justify or how do you how do you, justify is the wrong word, but how do you, like, make sense of that for yourselves?

It's the first time in, in the, in, committed relationship that I, I feel my true self and I, I felt whole before going into a relationship. So I think that that mix of, of factors and, and also my, I don't want them. I mean, I just feel more, more aware of who I am and how I want to live my life and being with withdrawing brings peace to my life and brings love and caring. So it just it doesn't feel like a struggle or, any, any it hasn't been at all. So it just, it keeps improving and improving and as, as I go through growing through through life and in this past year or or so, I see myself more peace, more calm, feeling more love, feeling more that so that for me it's a ten all the way. So yeah, yeah.

When you think about it.

I think that, we talked about this on like our second date, I, I was, you know. Going into my dating thinking, like, I really. This is Robin. You are you're you've got all the skills. You're ready, you know, and you're such like, I've got so much love to give, I really do. And I was like, I'm ready for this person in my life that that is going to receive that and give me just as much back. And I want to create that relationship that I've always, always wanted like that, that I'm going to grow in, that I'm going to feel safe in, that is just going to give so much joy. And it's like, I can do this, you know, like, you know, and I and I went into my dating with like exactly what my character said.

It's like I have so much to offer rather than, oh, I hope he likes me. That's that approach. It's like I'm not coming from like I'm coming from abundance. Yeah. And so it's like, if he doesn't like me, well then he's, he's, he's not for me. Like forget it. Yeah. Like I just have to be my hundred percent self. And coming from a place of like, I have so much to give and offer and I think I.

Can feel that, like I can feel that in my chest like that. That's true for you. But that, that is like so vital to any expectation that you would be healthy in a relationship. That I am here to be generous, not say greedy. Right? Like I hope I get. I hope I get, I hope I get it's really different than I got a lot to give. And I'm going to make sure to do that. And if he doesn't want it, that's his loss.

And something that we did talk about is that on our second date, right. Was like we both wanted like a beautiful, beautiful relationship. And that's not just this doesn't fall on your lap. Like we're very intentional with how we treat each other, how we speak, how we like. We're very intentional. Like we've talked about like we've talked about how like there's been text messages that I want to send, right. And like, and I'm like, no, Robin. Like, that's not coming from a loving place, like or like an I can't give you an example. It's not like or maybe that was fear talking or like, right. And then you just take a couple steps back. Is that, is that me? Is this my trigger? Yeah. Or is this something that's going on with Hector and I and actually, especially in the first 2 or 3 months, like, all your stuff comes out like all the, your anxieties, like, you know what I mean?

Your attachment stuff. And it's going to continue. I'm sure it's like this is a lifetime of growth and learning, but as like I'm being way more, aware and retrospective in my own self. Before like, communicating anything, let's say there was a concern. It's like, okay, is this my stuff or is this stuff that, that I really need to work out with? Hector. That's a, that's a big piece like that can be differentiated.

That's pretty massive. Like I, I, I like this will be this will be the money clip is this the idea that part of what you're where you're ten comes from is real clarity about who you are and the real stewardship of your own emotional and mental health. To bring to the relationship. And, you know, it is it's a practice. I mean, I think, I think you're talking about scenes that I am working on all the time, but you make them seem sort of effortless, and I really appreciate that. But it's not just in a new relationship. I the other night I portable a cereal. I was so excited about because I had splurged on this, like cereal I used to eat as a kid and then, like, the second the milk hit the bowl, my wife was like, can you help me make the bed?

And I was like, are you kidding me? Like, you wake it, you know? And I did all internally. I did all of the things where I was like, why didn't you do it sooner? And why do you need my help? And this is a did it, and I knew that that wasn't going to get me what I wanted, you know, so which was to not fight with my wife, basically. So I was like, no problem. It took me a minute. It sounds like it's a little bit more ingrained into your your style with one another, which I love, but 100%, you got to like, quiet those voices that want to lash out or be anxious or be, you know, assign a value to you based on a previous partner or previous experience. So I love that for you guys. Do you?

Do you think that you have a philosophy of relationship? And, I think we all do. But, you know, the question is like, where does it come from? Like if you had a philosophy of how relationships work, do you know what it is and where it came from?

My philosophy in my I grew up with I grew up with a family of, like, people that have really good relationship. Like, I'm not talking about marriage like my parents marriage, but I'm talking about the fact that relationships in my family on both sides, my mom and my dad's side are very important, and they're close relationships, like a lot of people, a lot of love, like just generous joy. The community phone calls, hugs, kisses, like the relationship I was. I was shown a lot of like just how important relationships are in life with my dad, with all the all of his, his employees, his customers. He was known as being such a good person because of those relationships.

Do you think that that, you said you grew up quite religious? Do you think that was a function of their faith or was it a function? No.

I don't think so. Because like I say, I was raised religious, but we went to church Catholic church. It wasn't like we're all like, no, no, it wasn't like that. Yeah. It was more like, like my dad was raised to be just like. Like my papa was in a band. So they were the wedding band, like on the farm. And so they were always at the weddings and they were, oh, people always around, like so many people and so much, I don't know, it was just like a value that I was taught and shown and. Yeah. And and I've lived right how important these kids are in our lives.

Yeah. They're. I asked this question a lot too. Like, do you have a philosophy relationship? Because I think we do. And it comes from somewhere, right? It comes from the Bible or it comes from John Gottman, or it comes from our parents, or it comes from our first marriage is or something. And I think when we when that's unexamined, when we don't quite know, like, why do I think what I think really about anything, I mean then it's you're at a disadvantage, but I wondered if you, you know, had a philosophy that you've cultivated and in particular, do you have one now that you're on the back end of a couple of unsuccessful long term commitments like, I don't I don't want to say broken marriages or something, but like, did your failure in quotes shape your philosophy? It sounds like there's probably a little bit of that in there somewhere. I'm wondering what that what that might be.

Yeah, I can, I can relate to that. I, I, I feel that a lot of my, my struggles in the last six, seven years and not just with my, my past relationship, but with my own own existence in a way, was not being brave enough to be honest and open about wants, needs or desires or or such so that that translated into my relationship. Not just with Robin, but with my kids. My mom and ex-partner and everyone around me. I I'm just open, open and honest. But I try to, to choose the right words, to be honest, not being hurtful or just no, I can tell you the same idea or my thoughts or my needs or my ones, but in a way that didn't feel as, as a threat or or like I'm attacking you and I've, I've found that that works charms just with my, my kids, with Robin, with my ex partner, with my mom, my sister.

It has been I tried to be really careful with my words. Take two breaths before I speak to Fi, before I text proofread, and then there's no rush on, on sending that text or answering back.

Is that real? Is that real? Do you take two breaths before you take in five breaths before you text? Is that a thing that you like actually do?

Particularly I when, like just, it has nothing to do, but it's a relationship with my landlord. Yeah. You know, I, I mean, two things with him, and he's always like, he doesn't, spend a, nickel. Yeah. So I could answer him right, right away. But I'm. I'm. Yeah. Being patient and I'm okay. No, that that would create conflict or that my, be understood in a different way. Now, let's now go there. Yeah. And just back and back and proofread. So again and then. Yeah.

It's okay.

No, no, it's not, it's not easy.

Yeah.

It it's I've put more in it and yeah, it's coming more naturally.

Why why did you do that work?

Because. Well, as I said, I was afraid of having tough conversations. So I would. I would first lie to myself in order to, comply or, or make someone else happy or avoid conflict. Yeah. And that led me nowhere. So it just that became my my way of being true to myself first. Yeah. And then speaking my mind. But in a loving, caring way if possible. There has been times that there's no room for that. So you just have to be honest. And if if that causes hurt to someone else, then so be it. Yeah, yeah.

I asked another question on my on the, on the questionnaire and it was like, what's your thing? And you guys said honesty. Honesty is our thing. And I was like, oh brother. Is there it is. Do you think there's such a thing as too much honesty or how do you how do you navigate through some of the hard places that requires honesty. How do you do you do you have experience with that yet? I can't tell if you guys have. Do you have you had enough? Have you had your fight? Did you do your first fight yet?

You know, this is the other thing that I think is so different about our relationship. We we we have hard card conversations. Yeah we do. And like.

Well, what makes the conversation hard? That's what I want to know.

Well, you're feeling like you're feeling okay. This is something that's like weighing really, really, really heavy on my heart or I'm like upset about something. And I'm like, we really we have to talk about it. We have to figure this out because I don't want to feel like this anymore. I think I want to feel good, you know, and get back to where I'm feeling like we're on the same page. So that's that to me is.

Yeah. When does that happen?

You're like, I think, like I need you to talk about this is my goal.

Trying to provoke you guys, fighting, trying to pick a fight. You're like, I want to do it.

I would just not say that we have not had a fight. Like, yeah, right.

Yeah.

There has been a couple of times where we have set boundaries. Okay. So whenever a particular situation came along okay, I need to talk about this right. Right after. And even we weren't supposed to see each other that day, but, now I need to talk about this, and then let's meet. Okay. Where are you at? Where I'm at. What? What did you mean by this? We have talked about this quite a bit about, since English is not my my first language. I have to sometimes ask or explain myself further, or Robbie has to help me navigate through the language. And that that actually brings up pause in conversations or in ideas and that.

Okay. No, I'm trying to say. And then do you elaborate in, in, the meaning of, of an expression of a word and then that brings, more broad perspective of the idea. I'm trying to or she's trying to, to bring in. And I think that pause in that understanding of what's your what's the true meaning of what you're saying instead of, just being triggered by, by the word and feel it, the attack and then react and we, we having gone through that.

I can think of, times when we, I was getting, I was getting frustrated around, for instance, like, time I think. I can't think of exactly the example right now, but I would call like I've got I've got really good friends. Right. And so I would call one of my best friends and say, this is where I'm at right now. I'm feeling frustrated. Like, and, you know, you're voicing your concern with your friend and getting give me feedback, right? Which I think is great because it's like, why would I go to Hector right away? It's like the village, right? Like your friend talks talks a lot about this. It's like your partner doesn't have to be everything to you and it's not healthy for that, for you to rely on that person for everything. So if I'm frustrated about something, it's maybe my thing. My best friend is knowing me for 35 years can be like reflecting back like, this.

Is that's you.

Yeah. You don't need to talk to her about that. Like, just figure it out and I'm going to be your sounding board and we're good to go. Like, sometimes that is the case. But if it is something that I feel like I need to talk to them about, it's like I can go in. I feel we talked about this yesterday. I feel like we give each other the benefit of the doubt. Yeah. And it's like being curious. Ask questions like, I want to know where he's coming from before I'm jumping in. Like, this is where I'm coming from, right? Like being it's there's something about the way we communicate that we're able to give each other that grace. Right?

Yeah. So that's so cool. My kids came home from kindergarten. They're 18 and 22 now. But I remember when they were young, young, young and the school they were in was really high on emphasizing, is it true? Is it kind, is it necessary, like you don't, to open your mouth unless it's true, kind of necessary kind of thing. And, it was like their filter and the hardest one, I think, for me. But this is where I noticed that you are doing some good work. Is around necessary, like something stirs up in me and I'm like, I gotta I gotta do something about this right now. But it sounds like you guys have enough of a filter or friendships or, you know, just ability to, reflect, to go.

Maybe it's not necessary for me to say that thing. I don't have to say. Every single challenge that comes into my my life or my my chest. I don't need to let that out. So, but again, kind of filtering what's necessary, it seems like you have a pretty good read on, on all three of those, actually. Truth, honesty. You're both very kind to each other, which is very cool to watch. And then, kind of choosing, this. I do need to talk about this. I don't need to talk about that. That goes a long way.

I remember that one time when, the character was really good about taking time for himself. Like, it's important for him.

That good introvert should be.

Yes. It's very it's important to me. I like I think I'm more of an I discovered this about myself. I think I might be an introvert because I loved having time by myself. Okay. It recharges me.

Yeah, well, that's actually the definition, right? Like like introversion. Extroversion is about energy. Am I energized by being alone or am I energized by being with other people? So.

Yeah, I was going to tell this story about how he, took her. He turned his phone off for a long time. And Norm and, you know, we do the evening text right before bed. Yeah, I was texting him like, an hour before bed, just like, hi, sweetie. How are you? Like, go for your night. It's going great. Yeah. And nothing. Right. And then. Okay, that's an hour goes by, okay. No problem. And I'm watching everything. Brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed and that thing. Right. I'm making. Have to hope everything's okay. Anyways, bottom line is time went on, time went on, and I wasn't hearing back from him. Now I'm actually getting legitimately worried because I guess it's not normal.

Not characteristic behavior. Like yeah, right. And so I had I and it'd been about three hours. Right. And he, I called one of my really good friends that lives Clemens director and I was like, can you please do me a favor? Like, I'm just concerned this is not like, just do a drive by, make sure his trucks are like that. He's safe. And. Thank you. So she's driving. She's. We're talking on the phone, and she said, yeah, the truck's there. I'm like, thank you. Okay, okay. Thank you. Good night. Right. Okay. So yeah I just like, check my light off and like, who's going to go to bed. Yeah. And then he texted like I think right before I like turn my phone off. So fine. It's all good. And I was like, oh thank goodness. Okay. Love you. Good night. Like it wasn't I was just really worried. Right. He was kind of expecting me to get angry about that, but it was oh.

Sure.

I wasn't angry. I was just concerned.

Well, that's what I noticed when you're telling your story, is that like, you went through your options in the first one was, I hope everything's okay. Not I wonder if he's mad at me. Right. You know, and because that first thought directs the rest of the next series of thoughts that will follow, right. The first thing that you know, and maybe you did entertain for a second. I wonder if he's mad at me and then put that down because you had trust in the relationship and said, no, I hope everything's okay. You know? But again, I think directing traffic is a big part of it, and it's really just kind of how you let things go through that first gate. You know, is it through objectivity and concern, or is it through something that feels subjective, like about me? And fear would be the, the, the alternative, I suppose.

What's next for you guys? What do you like? What? What do you what's on the what are you thinking about? I mean, you're not living together. I understand, because you had to drive by the truck. So how often do you you connected? Do you see each other daily? Weekly? Do you have a rhythm.

Then a couple, a couple times every two weeks. Can we try to hike? Yeah, because we're week long week off with the kids and. Okay, normally we don't see each other when when we have the kids, but then at times, maybe early Sunday with the kids, we'll go for a hike and then spend some time together. Yeah. Okay. Thanks.

Every day you got a one year anniversary coming up.

Yeah. We, you know, we we we do weekend excursions. Thank every once in a while. And that's really fun. So we're going to go to a concert in March. Yeah. We've got some plans for summer to be together with our kids. Yeah. You know okay. And just like, it's not like we're talking years ahead because, like, what's the point? Like, I, I feel like we're going to be together for a very long time. Yeah. And it's like we don't need to be planning like. Yeah. So like. But we do, we do make plans like this. We it's important to us like we spend time together, as much as we can really, you know, balancing everything else going on. Yeah. So, so I'm moving in the right direction. Yeah. Like, you know, positive and just good.

Yeah. Holding it with an open hand and and. Yeah. Well, that's really cool. I'm I'm so glad to talk to you. I, I know for a fact that I have key takeaways for me that feel really affirming and I'm, I'm like grateful to both of you for giving me just the opportunity to ask a couple of questions. And, and, Hector, I think you did a great job as an introvert in your first podcast interview to show up and and, like, you knocked it out of the park, so congratulations.

Absolutely.

Thanks. Yeah.

Thank you for having us.

This has been a delight. I'm so glad that you agreed to talk to me. And I'm really happy, to learn from you both.

Thank you for.