The State of the Union: One Year Later | with Robin and Hector

How are you?

I'm okay. I'm doing all right. Like, I, I got I got some stuff going on, but I'm figuring out how to how to do it. That's. That's what I've learned the life is about. You just got to figure it out as you go.

That is what life is. Yeah. Holy. Manny, you're the. We're still shedding. It's the year of the snake until the 17th of February.

What happens then? Then what year is it?

The. The fire horse. Get ready.

Okay. What happens in the year? The fire horse?

It's like rapid speed. Think. Think of a horse running. Okay. Okay. Of the horse.

But here's my problem with all that. Like, how can you have, like, an entire year? That's just one thing. It's like the theme of the of a whole year like that doesn't make any sense to me.

Well, you know what? I never really thought about Chinese astrology until this year. And there's a lot of people talking about it about the year of the snake, that this was the year of the snake.

Okay.

And then the shedding. Right. Like you know how snake. Of course they shed their skins.

Yeah, well, you guys get to be in Canada and you get to shed stuff, like, way faster than apparently we get to shed stuff. We're still, I think we still have to endure before we get to shed much.

You're in it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but. Oh, no. Maybe this horse thing will work out and something, something exciting will will transpire. So.

Oh. Guaranteed guarantee.

Hector. What's happening? Nah, I.

Was going to say not much, but actually the all the opposite. A lot going on, but all positive and and and just. Yeah. Good, good.

Yeah. Very cool. I am so glad that we were able to work out this timing, because I buy this when I publish this episode. It will be one year exactly after the last time you guys were on. So we get to like, wow, we get like a get like an update. We get to feel like, like a year later, what's going on? Because when we last talked to you, you'd been together about a year. Is that right?

Yes.

So now.

Here we are.

Yeah. So this episode will come out right there. So I just want to I want to hear about it. I want to ask you.

Some.

Specific questions. Yeah. And just hear like what's up. What is how you appreciate and understand your trajectory. And. Yeah. And I want to I want to do it while also teaching people how to do this thing. So I hinted at it in my email to you that I want to do a very specific kind of conversation. Have you answer for questions for me? And these are questions that I give to my clients to, to help them just appreciate like we sometimes we can do therapy by ourselves if we want to. And when I when I give these questions to my clients and they do them, they tell me that it is the most valuable thing that they do in their relationship. And I know you guys have a practice, but I figured one year later, this might be the perfect way to just let people like, learn a new skill. Are you game to play?

Definitely, sure.

Right on. Cool. Well, let's get right to it. Because and I'm going to do a little bit of asking and listening, but also a little bit of teaching. And it's because this conversation comes out of the Gottman Method. It's called the state of the Union conversation. Laura and I a couple years ago recorded an episode. It's number 262 for any of you who care, you can go back and listen. But 262 is where we lay out kind of the rules for the state of the Union conversation. And I was like, I need an update and who's going to do it the best? Robin and Hector. But it's from the Gottman Method. And it is again, it's just designed to help people stay on top of like what's going on for them.

And the first question, oh, I'll put it this way. I imagine that when couples do this, well, they do it once a week. So we're doing it once a year and we're going to do it next year. We're going to do it the year after that. We're going to do the year after that, oh, at the first week of March. But the I imagine couples having it once a week, and it's just a way to stay on top of things so that they don't build up basically. But before that, it's an opportunity just to be tracking the things that are going well. So that's the first question. If you look back at the last year for the two of you. What did you get right? What did the two of you get right over the last 360 ish days?

Conflict resolution, I would say, okay.

Tell me about it.

Well, you were involved in it. And what happened was we came to an impasse where neither of us was kind of who's in the right place in the wrong or it wasn't about that. It was different perspectives. And we noticed that our our conversations were not leading us to a resolution, but we're more making our differences bigger and bigger. So it was right then. And then it was we need some some help from someone. And and we both agree on that. And we didn't let time pass further. And we address it and.

We got help. We we we had an impasse for sure. Yeah. And you were able to help us through that. Thank you Zach I mean I think I think back on because that was that was a big one for us. Yeah.

Yeah. I was honored to play a part. I have no ego about it at all. But I am wondering like, what did you learn about conflict resolution that you would say, we're getting that right. We're better at that now than we were a year ago. What would you say were the like the principles, not principles, but like what? What what's the takeaway that you can say? Yep. This is what we do now that we didn't do a year ago.

Well, there haven't been much much of that, to be honest. But I what I got from, from that was just approaching empathy in a well, I wasn't being apathetic, plain and simple. I was not being able to put myself in Robin's shoes. And out of our conversation. I got to actually learn how to be empathetic. Understood. I knew the meaning of the word, and I thought I was sympathetic, but I realized that afterwards I was not being empathetic, and I. And it came by on my own. And then I approached Robin, and I told her how I felt and the realization that I had, and that was for me, that was a big breakthrough, not just in my relationship with Robin, but in my life throughout. Yeah.

Okay. So if I can reframe it. Yeah. Sorry. Go ahead. Robin.

Yeah. I was just going to say with his kids with right. Like, do you take something like that, like learning empathy on a deeper level and when you learn it, when you like, okay, now I know what it means to me, actually. Now I understand it or I know it. Now, how can you not take that into other relationships, not just with.

So if I had to reframe it for you, but say one thing we got right last year was we we tackled conflict resolution in a new way, which included, at least for Hector, learning about and practicing empathy. That's the thing we got right last year. Yeah. All right. Cool. What else? What else did you get right last year?

You know, I would say that over time, because of our relationship getting deeper and stronger over time, my safety and my trust in Hector just keeps growing. Okay? I have more safety in my partnership with him than I've ever had with a man. You know, to be fully myself. And. And those layers keep getting more. I'm, like, discovering more about myself because of our because of our safe connection. And how what I've learned through our connection is how important that safety is. And, you know, like him, like that impasse that we were at was actually not a safe place, right? We were able to find that solution and that connection again. And it's like now I have faith and like experience now with this man that is willing to get there like right.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I was going to ask you and the I think the conversation you were describing was sometime around late fall, but do you have a sense of how safety was being built, like, say, through the spring and summer? I mean, maybe it wasn't. Maybe it wasn't. I mean, it's interesting to think that maybe it comes from actually having a little bit of a crisis and then experiencing the response to that crisis could be where it came from. But I just I don't want to discount that you're also building it yourselves. Yeah.

Yeah. But I think we practice we practice it in micro moments, like in our daily interactions.

Not taking each other for granted and also not not being comfortable in the sense of, oh, like, yeah, like I can do whatever I want. And she's going to be there because I'm safe with her. I think. I think we both approach our relationship in, in like the little things that end up mattering a lot and to our capacities each does a lot for the other as far as listening, respecting, acknowledging needs, listening, just everyday things that happen and we listen and comfort each other and without judgment. And that's well, I think we I can speak for both of us that we are taking much different steps in this relationship than we did in our past. And that comes also from getting to know ourselves better. So we know that most of the times our triggers are on and it's just in our head and it's not something that it's actually happening or being being done by and.

And if we do get triggered or if there's something that's bothering us, it's like we have felt we have built this, this some way of being with each other where it's like we're honoring like, you know, I'm in this place right now. I'm not feeling good about this. Can we talk about it? And like, yes, it's coming to it. Like, right. We're I'm so proud of us that we're doing the thing.

I love it.

Us conversation like we are doing that. It's like if we've got it's like you, it's you and me, it's us. And what is the issue? We are going to tackle it like. Like this thing that like, I'm telling you, man, it's amazing.

What? Okay, okay. I hear you. And what are you actually doing? Like on a day to day basis. What do you actually do to make sure that you don't take one another for granted, or that you appreciate each other? Do you have a do you have a ritual? Do you have a practice? Do you have some kind of you know, what is the what is the. How do you use your actual energy in space and time to affirm this thing that you're describing?

I can I can think about like something that Hector does for me. It's an act of love that I so appreciate. He does so many acts of love. Like, that's like, it's just this man is just always loving on me in, like, the most amazing little ways that they all count. They all. Okay late, like in the morning, I wake up before him and I go downstairs and have my coffee and like. And he'll get up after and he'll make the bed. You think this is not a big thing? It's a very big thing.

Yeah, I. Know it's a big thing. Don't think that I.

I appreciate beyond compare, you know, because I've been in relationships before where it's something that I have vocalized as a need like. And I think that it's a need for me, like, you know, there's a want and then there's a need. If my partner like, does like I think it's like you're the last one out of bed. It's like that's something. And he but it's it's an act of love, pure and simple.

Yeah yeah yeah. And. Oh yeah. Can I take a little mini aside and tell you a story about something that happened inside my brain yesterday, which was, So, Rebecca, my wife, you both have gotten to meet her, which is cool. We have a deal. Which is the second person who wakes up, makes the bed. So the bed gets made every day, and it gets made by the person who gets out of it. Last, basically. And yesterday, she was in a little bit of a hurry. In the morning. I had actually gotten up first. I had a class to teach at 6 a.m. so I was teaching this class at six, and then she left at like 730 before I was done teaching. And then I walked back into the bedroom and it's not made.

The bed is not made. And my first thought is, God damn it, Rebecca, like, come on, come on, girlfriend, you broke the deal. And then I said to myself, you know what? This is unusual morning for her. She was trying to get out. She had a little bit of a chaotic time. I'm just going to make the bed. No biggie. And. And then I moved on with my day. Then. Bless her heart. This is what she did. She came to me in the evening and she said, hey, did you make the bed this morning? And I said, I did make the bed this morning. She goes, just so you know, the only reason I left it unmade is because the cleaning crew was coming by, and they usually make it and they make it way better than me.

So that's the reason I left it undone. And I said, You didn't just forget like you were conscious about it. And I'm glad I made the right choice to not be upset. And I said, well, I did make it. I made it out of love. I did it without any, any, you know, resentment and just kind of moved on with my day. But I think, you know, there's something about that story, and even the one you're describing that speaks to attunement, like just being attunement attuned and kind of trying to honor little things, whether it's actually making the bed or naming the why you didn't make the bed sort of thing. But I think it comes with a little bit of practice in your own brain to be able to go.

Maybe the thing I think right now, on this impulsive moment that I just created is wrong, and I'm just going to choose to believe something else. And so, when you said making the bed, I wanted to tell somebody that story. And I'm glad it was you guys.

I think it's a beautiful story. And we talked to it this last night at dinner about we are giving each other the benefit of the doubt that is like this. Like we that's our standard. Like it's a high standard.

Not a lot of being that right.

We are doing that right.

Instead of thinking.

The worst.

The worst or this was done to upset me. It's kind of trying to find the angle for this was an act of love or just, you know, instead of just going right at and reacting, okay, like like the old days.

Yes.

Like the old days.

In previous relationships.

And got it.

Got it before. Before. Yeah.

So one thing we're getting right is we're doing conflict resolution better because we found access to and we're practicing empathy. Another thing that we're getting right is we have a cultivated practice of giving each other the benefit of the doubt. For sure. Yeah.

And I think we also we are ever since we've met, it's like we do little things for each other throughout the day to show our love and care for each other.

Okay.

We really do weather like it's just they all they all.

Add up. I love yeah, yeah. If you look back at the last let's say a year, we'll keep saying year but week or year, a month or whatever it is. Do you have specific praise or thanks or kudos that you want to offer your partner about a way that they showed up for you that you really do appreciate?

For me, it's beyond words, like the kind of.

You're going to have to use some words because we're not in the. Just.

Unconditional love I feel from from Robin is it's to be amazed and to be, you know, and I consider myself lucky because I get to be close to her and see just how her light shines throughout her world to everyone around her. So. And you know, know that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's pretty cool. What? Anything else? What else. Did you just kiss? I'm sorry I looked away. Is that the sound of you kissing? Yes. You're Mr.. All right. What else? The other ways that each of you or the other has shown up for you in ways that you want to call out and celebrate.

I, like Hector, is like one, like he's my best friend, you know? And I think that to me is like, oh, I have my I have the best of all of it. Like because he is like the best partner and somebody that I admire and look up to for just the character that he is. He teaches me many things about being a better person all the time. What I would say about for an example, I'm going to give you an example of.

Yeah, give. Me an example.

Something that I'm and I'm not going to go into details about this at all, but there's something that I'm dealing with right now around my son and my ex. And yesterday I explained it to him about where I'm at with things, and I really didn't think that I didn't. I actually did think he was going to react differently to what I was telling him, and the reaction that he was just like, he had my back 100%. And it wasn't like him going, this is it was just I was so like, grateful. Like, that doesn't even the word doesn't encompass it, you know? But I'm like, this man is 100% like right beside me. And that really meant the world to me.

Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. What's going on? What's happening for you right now?

It just really it really felt like. I really say that with so much my gratefulness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, when you've got a partner that actually like that, he showed that to me. Like he shows it to me all the time, but it was just like this was a big one. And I was like, wow. Yeah. I couldn't ask for anything better, you know?

Yeah, I love that. Do you, do you are you aware of your love languages, like in particular? Are you aware of how you prefer to be loved?

Yeah. You know, we don't really we've not talked. About this. It's funny because we just haven't.

Yeah. So just as a quick moment, like the concept of love languages was created by a guy named Gary Chapman, and he, he argues that there's five there's five love languages, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, gifts and physical touch. And, you know, I think I think there's probably 500 love languages. And the other thing that's messed up about this metaphor is that it's possible that you speak one language and you understand another. So maybe you speak German, but you understand Japanese, like that's the deal. But in general, are you aware of if you had to pick from those five how you would most prefer to be loved? So acts of service, quality time, physical touch, gifts and words of affirmation. It's funny. Every time I say them, I say them in the wrong order and I always get four. And then I have to think about the fifth one. So I don't have like.

A I think it's this five thing. It's trips. Yeah.

So do you know how you yourself prefer to be shown love?

I've thought about this a lot with us. And, you know, I think that we show our love for each other in all those ways. Yep. Like. Really, though, like, I know some people are, like, it's predominant and it's probably a predominant, prominent, a prominent one for me. Like when we have quality time for me, I want to spend time with this man. And we don't have we don't spend a lot of time when we do. It's quality. Yeah, it's quality time because we're with our kids and, and, and I would say words of affirmation.

Yeah.

Okay. So you're aware, Robin, that if you had to pick from the list of ways to be loved, you would pick quality time.

I think I would.

Okay. It's nothing wrong with that. I'm just like an actor. Do you know that that view.

Of service is I know the way I give love is.

It's through acts of service.

Well, yeah it is. That's that's one of my, my that's my, one of my dominant and physical to. I just want to be physical. Yeah that's good.

Yeah. That's like I can sort of that's not that is relatively apparent in the, in the in looking at you today.

The reason.

The reason I think this question is valuable is because, you know, sometimes and again, I don't I'm not here to be an advertisement for the five level agencies. But if you took the quiz online, you know, you might rank yours one, two, three, four, five. And then, Hector, you know, if you took the quiz, you might rank five, four, three, two, one. And what happens a lot is people like Robin's over here going one, 22211212 and Hector's over here going five four. Because you're loving. You're very loving. Five, four, five, four. But a lot of times people get caught up because you're like, where's my, where's my ones at my twos. I'm looking for ones and twos.

Feeling because I'm not.

The kind.

We're not loving me in the way that I prefer to be.

Loves that I want to feel loved. Right? Yeah, I get that, I get that.

So, you know, Hector might be like, oh, my number one way is words of affirmation. Meanwhile, Robin's like, but you don't spend any quality time with me. I appreciate the words of affirmation, but there's a gap, and that's not the story you're telling about your own relationship. But I think there's something about learning to speak your partner's love language that's actually really critical in this second step, which is, you know, how can I affirm and love and show love to my partner? We're in a we're in a mode right now where we're working primarily with words of affirmation, like, here we are, we're talking, we're on a podcast, we're talking about things. But even at Words of Affirmation, I wonder, do you know what kind of words you want? So, for example, a simple one. Would you rather be complimented for the way you look or thanked for something that you did?

I think it's thanked.

Okay.

But I don't know if mine is. Words of affirmation. I'm going to have to think about this. What are yours?

My love language that I want to receive.

Or either way, we're just we're just wandering around.

Yeah, I would say acts of service. Okay.

And that's lucky for you, because Robin's like I'm an active service person. Yeah.

Yeah. Precisely. And, and I would say, what was the one.

Of affirmation gifts?

No. And the.

Guy's got touch.

Physical touch, quality time.

Yeah. Words of information out there. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes I want to surface this because when I'm teaching people how to have this conversation and talk about like, is there specific things you want to name or praise or celebrate from last, last week or last year to put it in the realm and zone of, hey, I really appreciate that you spent this kind of quality time with me on Thursday or hey, I really appreciate that time that you cleaned the roof off of my house or hey, you know, like just labeling the things that actually hit home for people is part of the skill, you know? So the.

I think we do that. Well, I think we thank you for like, you know, we noticed the things that we're doing for each other, you know.

Yeah.

We're very grateful about it because it's.

We're aware of what we have. So yeah, it's an everyday acknowledgment of how grateful we are and how appreciative we are for having us.

What we're dealing with at the moment is we're we're halfway through a, a four part conversation. So the four part conversation is these four questions. The first two are entirely positive. The first two are what did we get right last week, and how can I specifically praise and celebrate and lift up my partner from about things that that I really appreciate from the last week, year again, month, whatever timeline we're on.

But it's a little bit of a missing element. And sometimes people sit down and they say, we need to talk or we need to have a talk, or let's have a let's have a schedule talk. They forget this part, which is really about driving up positive sentiment and remembering how much equity there is in the relationship because of what we've done well and what we were getting right, and how you show up for me, like, I just I always want to emphasize that everything is easier in a relationship. Everything is easier in a relationship when you are loading it up with positivity, when you have equity in the bank, you and you have more to spend than you, than you, you have options. And that's that's something I just don't want to skip over for. People like go ahead and be calling out the things that you're getting right and the ways that you appreciate your partner, how your partner's showing up for you.

And that's halfway through. Yeah.

Yeah.

Cool.

We have we have a very full well to pull from.

Yeah I love that. Well yeah you do. And at some point last fall you were making some debits. You were pulling stuff out, pulling out, pulling out. And that you were aware enough that it was headed in the wrong direction. Your bank account was headed in the wrong direction that you needed to ask for help, which I think is admirable and I say it all the time. One thing I really appreciate about my clients is they're doing something that most people are not doing, which is asking for help. Most people are trying to figure it out on their own, and that's, that's fine. Maybe you need to, but this is a good way to do it, is to be checking in with each other in this kind of state of the Union style, where you're first trying to drive up positive sentiment.

And then the third question is, if you look back at the last year or last week or last month, again, whatever you're working with, Robin and Hector, are there things that you need to revisit? Are there repairs that you need to make? Is there an elephant in the room? Is there some kind of apology that you need to deliver in order to make sure that something doesn't get built up, or that something doesn't get missed? Anything that you might look at and go, this is still an area of attention for us.

I don't I don't think we're there. No, I have issues with insecurities of my own that I acknowledge as my own, that when when they happened the first time, I was completely transparent with with Robin, I told her this is what's going on in my mind. Just aware of what's what's happening. And it was out in the open. And that took a lot of pressure from from my side, from the stories I was making up in my mind. And then it has happened a couple of more times, and as soon as I feel that I don't know that little boys start to to grow and grow about an insecurity, I voice it out and we talk it over, and then it's like it's settled, and then we carry on and move, and then again, that's on my end.

So I I'm doing that much more differently compared to what I used to do. But and it was just pushing things into a pressure cooker kind of. And then one day they would just blow up and it was too late to make amends or to talk about something because it was already a big deal. But I'm not doing it now. And and Robin is aware, and we have built that trust of, hey, I'm feeling this insecure, vulnerable.

Left out right. You know.

And then we address the issue and we don't let it grow.

It's something it's something that we are very aware of and conscious and intentional about is we've said keeping our relationship clear. So that means that if there's stuff that we need to talk about, if we're feeling a certain way, that's not like deep connection and good, you know, then, you know, the next time we see each other or maybe we'll say connect. Can we have a phone call, please? Like, I would just really see your face because we don't live in the same home like, and we will talk about it and work it out like as soon as we can, you know, because like when you ask that question, Zach, I'm like, we're clear. Yeah. We were together last night and we, you know, like if there's stuff we are going to talk about it and if we can't work it out, well, we'll call you.

That was something that I wanted to to point out that when when we reach out to you for help, it was within a week. We didn't we didn't let that go any further, just having discussions because we were not talking. We were having discussions about this. This topic was like, you know what? This is not adding for for a solution. So put a put a hold on it and bring bring an expert and then yeah, talk about it. And that was it. That was the right right way to approach it. And we didn't we didn't have to pull that many out of the bank. Yeah. The time was was really short.

And there's no thinking like none of that because it was like this one issue that. Yeah, yeah.

So I love that for you. I love that you have that skill. Again, if couples are having this conversation every week, that's the purpose. The purpose is to keep things from building up or keeps things riding up. Do the other part of it clean? Yeah. Well, and then the other part is I always tell people when they get to this third question, which again is is there anything that we need to revisit repair, or is there an apology that needs to be made? I always encourage I always encourage that you you go first in this way. So let's say that the issue is one of you is constantly tardy and the other one is really important. Like really values time and is annoyed by that. I always encourage couples to go first in this way, which is to go, hey, I know last week I was tardy three different times to dinner.

Like I told you I'd be here at six and I got home at 630. I know that was frustrating for you. That conversation is always going to go better than hey. Yeah, the thing for me from the last week is you didn't get to dinner on time three, three times in times like to go first by offering the repair and saying I have dropped the ball, here I am.

Detector to use your words. This idea of like I am insecure. This is from my insecurity. Not waiting for Robin to go, hey, seems like you're kind of insecure about this thing, because that's just going to take it in a different way. So when I teach and offer this concept to couples, it really does invite each individual to take responsibility for how they're showing up and to go first in a way that says, before you upset about this, I want to acknowledge that you have a right to be upset about this, and if upset is the wrong word, then at least before you tell me I dropped the ball, I want you to know that I know I dropped the ball and that would be it's just going to go better every time if you if you lead with your own sort of me a couple I guess.

Acknowledgment of.

Yeah. Exactly. What you're talking about is something that actor has always done so well is taking it down ability. And I endeavor to do the same. Right. It's like I'm owning my side of the street on this and you're leading with that, right? Like, I think a lot of people don't have that skill or that they don't want to do it. But Hector, does it really say like or like let's just say he's whatever it is, right? Like or even after the fact. I'm sorry I wasn't seeing that in the right way or whatever.

Like.

I don't really have an example, but you're taking accountability.

I, I always, you know, you hear about people who want a chicken and egg things where they go, well, you did this. Well, I did this because you did that. Well, I did that because if you hadn't done this then, and I always encourage people to try and chicken and egg in the opposite direction, which is to say, I'm really upset that you were late for dinner. Well, of course you're upset. I shouldn't have to keep you waiting. Well, but you were working really hard at your job, so there probably was something going on that I missed. Well, but that's still not an excuse for me not to give you. At least give you a call and tell you I'm going to be late. I know, but I just assumed maybe your phone was dead, so I didn't know what was going to happen. But no, no, no, there's. And that ends in exactly Robin, what you are doing, which is kind of chuckling.

Because you're like right away you're eating.

Yeah. Well and you're just you know you don't that doesn't have anywhere to go. But laughter and sort of ridiculousness. It's sort of like oh which one of us is the biggest, you know, upset. And I use the word whoops because I don't want to imply shame, self shame. I want to imply like I'm willing to I can take responsibility for my stuff. And at some level you just run out of things to take responsibility for, and now you're just enjoying your meal that you finally are sitting down to. So, that is that's the third part. So you've got the first two parts, which is what did we get right last week. The second part, which is how can I praise or lift up or celebrate you specifically from last week?

And that goes better when you can attach to things you know are valuable for your partner. This is the love languages conversation. The third part is, is there anything that we need to revisit or repair or address from the last little period? And it goes better when you are the leader of the of addressing it, you're taking more accountability. And then the last part is what's coming up, what's coming up that you guys have to keep an eye on? And how can I show up for you in a way that is that I might not know about? If you don't tell me. So how can I be a better partner to you over the next week, month, year? As things are, as we try to continue to get this thing right, what is what's coming up for you guys? What's on your what's on your hey, we need to be aware of and looking out for this I know one, I know one for sure. So I'm going to wait and see if you say it. And then I'll.

I'll come back.

Go ahead. I don't know. Well, the with with Robin's book coming up.

There it is.

She's going to be. It's going to be a way a lot BC and I know, I know that she knows she's got my back, but I'm just, I have a, a hiking trip coming up and, and what I did was I approached her and asked her, okay, you're going to be away. So and so I know that. Would you rather me to leave while you're gone or while you're home? What would be your kind of the. I mean, the first approach was, do you want to come to me?

Want to go hiking with me? Oh that's sweet.

Yeah. And then it was a no, because I have so much with the book. And. Okay then would you like what would be your. Because I want, I want to be supported to. Yeah. For you in this in this time. And and she was like well I would rather if she first she said when at the same time.

First I was like yeah.

And then next day or at night I don't remember. You were like, you know what? I think it would be best if I'm home and then and you take that time like, okay, sure.

Just so that if he's going to be in the, in the Andes, he's going to be like deep like hiking in the. So yeah. Like if I, if I'm on film sets and stuff, doing stuff for the book and I'm thinking about him like, oh God, yeah, I just take me over the edge.

Yeah, yeah.

And you know, like Zac, how loving is that? That Hector asked me that question about loving. Go. Do you want me to be home to, like, so that, you know, I'm here? Like, keeping down the fort, like. And you know where I'm at? Well, you are so busy, consumed with work. Yeah, how can I? Is that a support for you? Or would you rather I go, well, you're like, hey.

Yeah, yeah.

This man.

Well. And you did it. He also. Hector, you did it in a way that I don't typically recommend, but that is actually exactly right. Which is in in some versions of this conversation, Robin might say, well, my book is coming up and I'm going to need some support around the travel. And and I need you to be aware of that. What you did was say, well, her book is coming up, and I know that I need to be attentive to the thing. You know, there's a little bit more and a little bit more awareness than being instructed by your partner. Here's how I need you to show up for me in the next week or year or so. So but yes, that is the one I was thinking of. And Robin, real quick, a little sidebar. Tell us, tell the whole world about your book and what is what's happening. What are we talking about? When Hector talks about Robin's book.

We're talking about really a culmination of my work over the past seven years. My company is called Real Love Ready, and my book is called Real Love Ready. A Guide to Relational Literacy. So over the past five years, I've been interviewing people like yourself, sack the top therapists and relationship experts from around the world. And I have had the honor and the privilege of learning from you and from other like the people that are that are helping us love better. Right?

Yeah, yeah.

And now I'm in a relationship that I'm able to actually practice these skills and all this learning that I have really consumed like I've been, I have consumed all I want to be good at love. How the hell. How the hell do I do it? You know, I really like I want to be in this relationship that I have is my dream relationship. My dream man. Like, I thank God every day. And I really mean that because it's like what we've created, what we have is, is what it's. It's the stuff of dreams. Yeah, it really is. And what I've learned is that we can all have this kind of love. If you have a partner that is willing to meet you halfway and to practice the skills that actually do work like we can. Good at love. It takes it takes work. It takes skills like you're helping us learn and its intention and will. Willingness. My gosh willingness will.

Yeah, yeah.

But what this is my book is all about that. It's like taking all the all these big concepts that we are learning in relationship stuff and making them granular. And it's like, and it changes your life when you start practicing the skills.

Yeah. Well, I read it, I loved it, I was really attracted to this idea of relational literacy. And what I did was I read it in your voice, like I just had like your voice in my head. And it was delight. I was like, I could totally hear that. Her, that little rasp in there. I could kind of hear the the different intonations and the Canadian, you know, pronunciations of stuff. And it was fun. When does it come out?

April 7th.

Okay. So we have a little while.

Oh my gosh.

It's like, wow. Yeah, it's real soon. It's real soon is there?

Thank you for asking about it I yeah.

I'm excited about it for you. Are there ways that Robin can show up for Hector in the next little period? Do we know about that? Is there anything that we need to be to flag, to flag, or to make sure that we're on top of as we head into the next version of you guys?

She's always on things, so. Okay. Yeah, yeah, we have we have another side project and that we're working on together. And yeah, it's it's fun.

To me to.

Tell her.

We're going to open up a taco to you.

Yeah you are.

Yeah we are, yeah we are. So if you come to Victoria, BC, you can come. Director.

I totally will. But wait a second. I actually think I have a memory of this. When we talked last fall, we were working around your schedule because you were selling sauce chili oil.

In a great.

Chili in a. And so this is part of your like your, your thing. This is what you do. You, you have a like a kitchen affinity or some kind of like cooking aptitude. Tell me about it.

Well it I, I believe it's my love language in a way.

Okay.

Just to to cater for for people, for family, for friends and whatnot. So.

Okay.

The chili oil has been in the works for 15 years now or so. Okay. And now it took for me to meet Robyn. So to start selling it.

So I love that.

She was the words of formation of you should tell this this is really good. And that landed and and so as many, many, many more things that she has said to me to encourage and support. So now it's I, I approach her with this dream and project and vision and and we're doing it. Yeah.

That's awesome. So and it's coming at a kind of a crazy time. Like like you got a book to launch. You got an event that you're rolling out. You've got to. When is that supposed to happen or do we roofing.

Yeah. Into his house. This is a lot going on. But you know what? Why not? It's just like, give it to us. We're ready for it. Fire horse coming in hot.

That's pretty funny. By the time, would you say. When did you say the snake is over? February 17th.

February 17th.

All right. Only have gone. Yeah, well. Sort of. By the time this episode comes out, it'll be behind us. But we'll be full on in the force will be in the be in the horse phase of this situation. So we got. So this is it. We did it. We did the state of the Union. State of Union is what did we get right? How can I specifically pump you up and all in the effort to drive up positive sentiment, make sure that we are protecting the relationship by fueling the emotional bank account. The third thing is an effort at repair. Repair is a really critical skill for couples, and I think to surface things that might be building up in whatever way.

I think a week is the right amount of time. One thing that people find when they have this space for this conversation, let's say they have it every Sunday morning. If something goes awry on a Tuesday, and you know for sure that you have an opportunity to talk about it on Sunday, sometimes you just let it slide. You don't actually worry about it. So, it's interesting to know, not simply that it's there's something soothing about knowing that you can address it if you need to. And then sometimes that means you don't actually need to. And then the last part is, how do we get ahead of stuff? How do we make sure that we're staying on top of whatever's coming down the pike?

And sometimes that's very, very practical. Like, I need help with carpool next week, or I need help with my dentist appointment, and I'm not going to be able to, you know, make dinner or whatever or eat. So make something soft. It could be something very, very practical. Sometimes it's more, I was about to say spiritual. I don't know if that's it, but sometimes it's. Hey, I'm really working on my insecurity this week. Can you can you be attentive to and helping me navigate some of that? Because, Robin, I don't know if you experienced this, I would imagine you did, but I. Without making this about me, I definitely don't want to. I have a book deal that is coming into form and my manuscript is due on the 31st, so I have March 31st is when it's too.

Good for you.

The process of writing this book has generated more imposter syndrome for me in the last, you know, six months than I have experienced in the last six years. Like so. I'm having to constantly tell Rebecca I'm I'm unsteady. I'm not sure if I have anything to say. I'm not sure anybody's going to read it. I'm not sure this is meaningful, you know? And so she's just on top of like, encouraging me writing and encouraging me, thinking about things and asking me about stuff. And that's a way that she protects my psyche, not just my schedule. And I think when you're on top of that with your partner, then you can, you know, you can really set yourself up for success. And it sounds like the two of you have a lot of practice doing that. And I love that for you both.

Thank you.

Yeah. So your book comes out in April. You between now and then you've got your Real Love Ready conference. It's called In Bloom. When is that?

There is April the 11th, 10th, 11th, 12th this year.

Yep.

And so you have.

Will you have books there?

You should be ready. I'm watching my book at the summit. Like to the world. Like, you know, it's available on the seventh. I love. It on the 11th. It's that's an angel. Number two. We're good.

Oh. Got it, got it.

Got it, got it. Sorry, I.

Thought so. The book itself is available April 7th. It's. You're rolling it out on April the 11th, 12th, 13th at your conference, which so sad that we can't attend. We're going to be in Japan.

I know, but. You know what? I don't know if you wanted to. I'll give you the code. You can. You can join virtually from from Japan. Just even little snippets. But anyway, you're going to be traveling, seeing your daughter, and you're going to be present in the moment with each other.

So going to be trying to anyway. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And and I don't mind saying I'm super bummed because I've shared with you that my favorite team on the planet is US women's soccer team, and you have headlining is Abby Wambach. And see, it's.

Usually.

She's like this. Usually Abby's the second most famous person in that pairing, like at a relationship event. And I'm like, no, most famous person for me is definitely Abby. And I am bummed that I won't get to see and meet her and them and talk to them, but I'm sure it's going to be a great event. It was wonderful last year. I think if you have the opportunity and you're in or near British Columbia in April, then it's definitely worth carving out some time to go see this, this workshop, this event, and you guys just do amazing job putting it together. So maybe next year I'll get to I'll get to make it so.

We'll be there.

Well listen, thank you so much for coming on. Thanks for answering my questions. Congratulations on getting another year under your belt. Minimally. I will look forward to having you on in March of 2027 and hear how things are going with your, your, your, your bestseller book that will be out there by now. And your Taco villa, which I'm sure will be banging and doing wonderful business. And I just look forward to being being your friends and knowing you and being a part of your journey. So thanks for thanks for.

Coming on. We're so grateful for you to.

Write on.

Thank you.